JANUARY 4, 2023
This is Day 3 and its the first time in a long time that hubby and I got up within a couple of hours of each other. I usually have the whole morning to myself. I’m not an early riser and get up between 8:30 to 9:30 am most days. If I’m working on a book or some project, morning time is when I carve out time to do it.
Langston and I do everything together. It is the trait most admired by my mother (may she rest in peace). He won her over because of how attentive and caring he was to me. She used to worry about me all the time and now she could turn that worry over to Lank (nickname for Langston).
We’ve had some ups and downs through our journey. One of the downs is my stepdaughter. We are not getting along at all these days. Unfortunately, my son is no longer speaking to her and hasn’t for years. I am very disappointed that this is where we are. Lank had one weakness. He didn’t raise his daughter because he felt she’s with her mother. How could a child live in another state and wreak so much havoc on a family her father married into?
One way was to stay close to her dad, cousins, aunts and uncles who live here and become a loose cannon during her yearly summer visits when she was growing up. That’s enough time to poison the waters, and that is what she tried to do.
Lank has a daughter; I have a son. There is no ours! I believe Langela was always jealous that we had her father. Him not raising her added to her anxiety. Clyde tried his best to be a good stepbrother and that worked for a while. His last attempt to visit her ended in disaster. It was a few days before we found out what happened.
When he arrived by greyhound, in Indianapolis, Indiana, there was no one to pick him up. He sat in that bus terminal for six hours. Six hours! Do you hear me? Langie was supposed to have arranged for her family to get him, but she didn’t. His mistake was not communicating with Langie’s mother. Now don’t tell me that at 14 years old you don’t know how to tell your mother that you are expecting your brother. I went ballistic when I found out what she had done. All Lank had to say was “The two of you can work it out.” I was beside myself with anger.
Clyde said that was just one of several issues that led him to cut ties with her. He does not yell, and he does not scream. She was doing both and that was the last time he spoke to her. Tragically, it has been many years, and nothing has changed.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me began this way. Covid 19 has changed a lot of folks’ habits. I don’t have people over much anymore. Langie decided she wanted to come up and surprise her dad for his birthday, July 3rd. I was reluctant because he doesn’t like surprises. He really doesn’t. She started planning it and brought me in on the secret. My mind told me this would not be good. She was bringing her entire family: husband, 4 children, and their babies. There was no vaccine for babies at the time of this planning in 2022. A new surge of deaths was reported on the news channel. I texted her to ask that she bring proof of vaccinations. I knew what she was going to do next before she did it, so I went to Lank with her plans telling him she would be calling him shortly. And true to my words, she did. She betrayed my trust telling him of her plans so she could come and not have to deal with me. He didn’t let her come because, like I said, he doesn’t like surprises.
She was livid with me for spoiling her plans. She didn’t blame him for anything, but the truth is, Langston hardly ever visits her, never willingly has he had her to our home, nothing. They just have a phone call kind of relationship. I always thought that was odd. I was caught up in their drama. It’s easier to take her anger out on me than be mad with him.
Suddenly, a niece in the family passes away unexpectedly. Langela arranged to come with her family. I wasn’t aware she was still angry with me, so I texted her and invited her to stay with us if she didn’t have anywhere else to go. That was September 30, 2022. She stated she did. It was very curt. The covid virus was a little under control and most people had vaccines so I wasn’t as wary, although they would still have to wear masks.
She arrived a day before the funeral and stopped at our place. Body language speaks louder than words and she was behaving weirdly. At the funeral she and her daughter went all out to avoid speaking to me with grins on their faces denoting they were up to something. Their behavior was so disrespectful. What was so sad about all of this was I could see the bewilderment in her youngest daughter’s eyes. And that’s where I draw the line. Our children are not our property. They are given to us for a short spell, and it is up to us to do God’s will and raise them the right way.
Again, Langston said he didn’t see it, so he did nothing about it. I was upset and after a few days, I packed up a few things and spent a couple of nights at my best friend’s home. Although she was a gracious host, I didn’t want to wear out my welcome, so I stayed Sunday night, Monday night and went home Tuesday. Lank had been texting me to come back home. “We could work it out” he said.
But we didn’t. The problem is not resolved, and I no longer speak to my stepdaughter. Lank never solves problems. He lets them fester. So, what do you do? I don’t think he’s such a great father. I never got to see the drama from a man’s perspective and was caught off guard.
Right now, Clyde has no relationship with his stepsister, and I have no relationship with my stepdaughter. Lank still talks to her on the phone, but it seems less frequently. He’s never been a real father to her, so she pretty much did as she pleased her whole life. She loved it that way but really, she didn’t as her actions dictated. I feel she is acting out even though she is now an overgrown woman. Bringing a child into this world and thinking you are not obligated to teach that child right from wrong because you don’t have custody is wrong and I told him so on many occasions. She came up for the summer, but her mother’s people kept her. When I married Lank, I said to him, “Why not bring her to our home since we should be raising our children?” That was not to be, and I was so disappointed in him. I should have known there would be trouble down the road. In truth, I did and was not surprised when she turned up with her first pregnancy out of wedlock.
When she was little there was always the collect phone calls. I didn’t mind. She was a child. But after she grew up it’s more like she is stalking him sometimes. It seemed like she has to prove that he loves her or something. He, of course, doesn’t see anything.
I told him that those phone calls trigger me now.
This is an ongoing story that’s on my mind constantly, and that is why I chose to write about it today. Talk to you tomorrow!
Shirley Harris-Slaughter 
Pingback: DAY 8 @sharrislaughter #ADayInMyLife #RRBC @RRBC_Org 30 Day #Blogging Challenge 2023 | Shirley Harris-Slaughter
Hi Shirley, My goodness, I am terribly sorry to hear about this situation. Family turmoil is the worst kind of turmoil, and the fact that you’ve tried to correct what you saw needing fixing is a testament to the kind of person that you are. At this point there’s probably only so much that can or will be done. This is where I ask our Heavenly Father to step in. I’ve seen Him work in strange but effective ways.
Many blessings to you!
Donna M Atwood
D M Atwood
https://www.dmatwood.com
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Sound advice, Donna. I have put it in his hands.
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My dear, Shirley… what an awful situation! I can’t bear the thought that you are going through such a difficult time. It’s just heart-breaking.
You know, I intentionally married a man who had no children. I had a man to propose to me before my husband did, but he had two kids, with two different women. ANY number of children would have been a deal breaker for me. One would have been too many. I turned him down for that reason, and when my husband came along, before he even gave me his last name, I asked if he had kids, because had he had kids, I didn’t need to waste my time with conversation. LOL!
I just knew I didn’t want to deal with the drama of another wife and a child that I hadn’t given birth to. I had watched so many movies about the “other” wife and the “other” children, that I was firm and was not to be moved in what I wanted in my life. I had a real list and if I was to marry you, you had to check off everything on my list:
-doesn’t drink
-doesn’t smoke
-no children
-doesn’t swear
-loves his mother
-respectful
-attentive
-kind
-my family loves you
When you all hear me talk about my dear hubby, that is who I married, and he has only grown BETTER than all those things he brought to my table in the beginning.
I know that you and Lank can, and will work things out. In this season of your lives, I don’t think anything is going to change in regards to how he operates within the relationship that they have… I believe that he will never “see” the things that she does to you, or how she treats you. But again, in spite of the frustration that may still arise from this from time to time, you two will survive this… no matter what.
I love you dearly! Keep smiling 🙂
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Nonnie you were very smart. You knew what you wanted and went for it. This is my second marriage and his. We both brought children into the marriage. He never tried to make me accept his child but I was the dummy who couldn’t leave well enough alone.
I bet you won’t see me make another mistake. We never truly blended and both children tried to break us up. Lank wasn’t having it and did all the right things to keep me.
Thank you so much for your sweet letter of encouragement and for always being in my corner.
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Shirley, I am so sorry you have this turmoil in your life! It sounds, from this post at least, that you are taking much of this on yourself. You can’t fix these kinds of people. I really believe the best course of action is avoidance. Otherwise, their bad energy will invade your home and your hearts. I hope you can let this hurt and heartache go, but am glad you could express it in your blog. That often helps. Have a happy day!
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MauraBeth, I’m doing a lot of avoiding these days. There is nothing else left to do until some apologies are made. Trust me, I’m not holding on. I don’t have time for nonsense. Thanks for your advice.
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Hi Shirley,
Forgive my two mistakes.
yesterday should be yesterday
and in the last sentence of my comment, it should be I won’t forget…. not I want forget.
Shalom Aleichem
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Hello Shirley,
Yesterday, I wrote you an extremely long post. When I hit the enter button, it said submitting and then it just disappeared. I am going to write my comment to your post from yeterday again and to this one in a personal letter after the challenge. I have to pray about what I should say. I don’t want to say just anything. I agree with Yvette about your pain. You have deep pain. I want you to know that you are a treasure, not only for RRBC, but for the world. You have purpose and God loves you.
I want forget to write you about your post from January 2nd and this post January 3rd after the Challenge.
Shalom Aleichem
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Pat, I’m looking forward to your letters. I appreciate you so much.
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Pat I got your letter. Thank you for the advice.
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Shirley, you are certainly not alone in the family drama department. I have a son who hasn’t spoken to me in over eleven years, and I still don’t know what I did that was so bad he’d turn away from me. I console myself with the fact that we’re living out a story written by God, and what’s a good story without drama? At least my son is still communicating with his siblings and his father and step-mom, so I know he’s okay. I have great relationships with my other kids and step-children, and choose to leave that one son in God’s loving hands. Who knows? Maybe someday all will be resolved. Meanwhile, I’m not holding my breath.
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There was a period when my son didn’t speak to us. Communication was just so bad. It’s gotten better now. So I know how you feel. It’s comforting to know you are not alone.
Your kind words are a welcome relief.
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Patty, my heart is breaking for you in this message. I would say that I can’t imagine why or how a child could turn on/away from their mother… their parents, but, we have a member here who is facing the very same challenge, and I am up close and personal with that situation, which also breaks my heart. One of my works in progress is a book about this situation and since I have no first-hand knowledge of it, I am researching and learning from those who have and are experiencing these challenges.
I will pray that before it is too late, your son returns to the fold and that your heart will be whole once again, with all of your children present and accounted for in your life.
Thanks for sharing, Patty!
Blessings 🙂
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Thank you, Nonnie. I’m glad you’re writing a book about situations like these, but I wonder if we’ll ever truly understand what causes the rift and why the break lasts for so long. I am grateful for your prayers and your concern. Asking God to continually bless you and your family!
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I can feel your torment since I have the same lousy relationship with my sister-in-law as I had with my in-laws. I learned the hard way that I couldn’t change people or make my husband see their smug looks or hear their nasty comments. He’s always been oblivious. Now, he sides with the sister-in-law, which will be the topic of my article for Friday. You can’t make a narcissist into a normal person. So stop beating yourself up for something you can’t control.
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Susanne, you’ve been carrying around a lot of pain yourself. Torment is a strong word. I am sleeping well at night. And fortunately, I don’t have to deal with her, although it won’t be easy. Langston never tried to involve or force her into our lives. Whatever I did, was done because that’s who I am.
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Shirley, don’t think you’re alone in this matter. EVERY family has similar goings on. Personally, I have a younger brother by ten years and we haven’t spoken for ten years or more or seen him for the last five. And he only lives a few miles away. He’s also my daughters’ godfather and hasn’t spoken to her for triple that time. I never learned what caused this. Other friends have cited similar experiences. I hope that by writing this out was therapeutic for you. Until tomorrow. Hang in there, girl!
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Being in RRBC has seen me get the courage to write my story. This blog is another first. And it is very therapeutic. To find that I’m not alone is comforting to know.
Thank you John for always lifting me up.
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Yvette believe it or not I don’t carry any hurt or frustration, at least not any more. Over the years I have turned it over to Him. When push comes to shove Lank will never allow her to come between me and him. Maybe I should count his behavior towards her a blessing in disguise and stay out of it.
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Oh, Shirley! I feel your angst. I’m sorry you’ve held on to all this hurt and frustration for so long. I have a half-brother and half-sister from my dad’s previous marriage, and their mom did everything in her power to turn them against us. It has taken us decades to let go of our parents’ trauma and break their damaged cycle. If I may, I would suggest you look into emotional frequency tapping. I think it may help you to make peace with all the wrongs that you are carrying with you. Sending you comforting hugs…
Yvette M Calleiro 🙂
http://yvettemcalleiro.blogspot.com
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Emergency frequency tapping. Never heard of it before. Sounds interesting.
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I think you would benefit from it. I hope you look into it. 🙂
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